Saturday, April 15, 2017

Coming Out

Hi everybody! I'm Annie. I am bisexual, poly, kinky, and submissive.

Whew. It feels SO good to say that!

Normally the things I tell people about myself are the basics. I'm a small business owner. A puppy mama. A huge nerd. A pinup-ish fashionista. A foodie. A maker-of-things. A cocktail connoisseur.

But I've always held a few details back.

To be fair, I didn't know I was submissive and kinky until about 6 or 7 years ago, and I was married when I figured this out. The man I was married to was not dominant, or particularly kinky. Or particularly into sex with me. Or particularly into me. Either way, it was like discovering your favorite food only to be put on a liquid diet.

I only recently embraced that I am bisexual. I wasn't necessarily repressed... just in a little bubble where I assumed every girl liked other girls a little, too. It's silly when I think about it now. But I take that as evidence that it's something that's just always been a part of me. It didn't just start one day, I've just always been that way. I didn't choose it. I just am.

The reason I embraced my sexuality so abruptly is a 6'3" redheaded goddess named Fae. I met her randomly, at a kinky social event, and we were drawn to each other like magnets immediately. She will tell you that it was love at first sight.

I put the kibosh on her devious thoughts when I told her I was "super monogamous" and straight, and looking for this unicorn of a man to be my Dom/husband/baby daddy.

But two weeks later I ate crow and I was hers.

Fae is brilliant, nerdy (her Sith name is Darth Valzina), just as girly and into fashion as I am. A foodie who adores my cooking, and yes, she is a Domme. (If you couldn't tell by looking at her...) I call her Daddy.

She also came with a long-term boyfriend, and was dating a few other people when we met.

Once we established we needed to be as near to each other as possible all the damn time, we also established that I still wanted a man in my life. (Needed, even?) So I continued to date, although not nearly as desperately as I had felt before meeting her. And I became comfortable labeling myself as polyamorous.

Two weeks in, we were in New Orleans together, both dancing around saying "I love you". A week later, she let it slip a handful of times, and I finally got over my anxiety because life is just too damn short not to be in love.

A week later, I went on my first date with Ian. Ian is brilliant, also nerdy as fuck (he is currently reading The Lord of the Rings to me), sweet as pie, a food enthusiast the likes of which I've rarely met, and he has a doggo for Indy to play with (although Buddy is 80 lbs to Indy's 6).

It's only been a few weeks with Ian, but we are both hooked. And I feel like I am having my cake and eating it too. Only, everyone in this situation is aware of everything. Ian doesn't want to step on Fae's toes, and Fae doesn't want to selfishly keep me all to herself, and we all talk about it, and they get along brilliantly, and it's given me room to fantasize about a life I could never have fathomed.

I have always maintained that the family you choose mean just as much (if not sometimes more) as the family you are born into. And I have this opportunity to build a huge tribe of support and love and affection. Not only with Fae and Ian, but Fae's partners, Ian's if he decides he wants another, and all of our close friends who know all about us, and support us completely.

I am learning to slow down and process my emotions before I react. I'm conditioned to be jealous and envious, only now I am analyzing those feelings and owning my own emotions. I'm totally allowed to feel what I feel, I just won't be a dick about it.

Before I met Ian, I was envious of Fae and her boyfriend Bobby. I wanted what she had with him. I wasn't envious of his time with her, he makes her so damn happy, and gives her many things that I can't. And I am ecstatic for her to have her cup overflowing. Polyfolk call this "compersion", I learned. It's the feeling of joy at your partner's joy. I am happy that she is so loved and happy. I like her partners, my paramours. We talk often of our future and how life could be with this big poly family we are building.

I don't sleep with her partners, she doesn't sleep with Ian... that's all fairly separate. (And that's not to say things are off the table there... everyone has fantasies, and since we are all also kinksters, there tends to be a bit of overlap from time to time.)

So... this is me coming out. I named this blog "TMI, Annie" when I started it two years ago... and I think it's about to finally start living up to that name. I'll save the graphic details for my Tumblr blog... but I also won't be hiding any part of my life anymore. Or any part of myself.

Saturday, February 6, 2016

I fell in love with a fictional character

It’s not shocking. I probably love The Doctor, Han Solo, or Gomez Addams, Malcolm Reynolds, Eric Northman, or Peter Quill way more than I’ve ever loved a man in life. 

It’s so easy to fall in love with a fictional character. They have just enough flaws to make them human and fixable, they grow and learn and become better people as you experience their story. They’re handsome and kind and amazing lovers, they treat women well and are kind to children.

So it’s not shocking that I fell in love with the man "Mr Heart Eyes" told me he was. That man worked so hard, saved lives for a living, spent time with his roommate’s kids, had his life nearly completely together, always got the door for me, never let me pay, put my pleasure before his and made me feel loved and wanted. 

All of that was fiction. And I ignored the red flags because I WANTED to believe the fiction. I had my own scoundrel who wanted me to belong to him, and I saw what I wanted to see.

I won’t make these mistakes again. I won’t ignore gut feelings, or avoid questioning a man because I don’t want to seem suspicious. I won’t let him put off meeting each other’s friends or spending time at both of our homes. 

I won’t be taken in by just a handsome face and lots of orgasms. I can give myself orgasms or watch Firefly or Guardians of the Galaxy anytime I want, thankyouverymuch.

Wednesday, February 3, 2016

My 2016 To Do List

Life with my ex (whom we now enjoyable refer to as Jizzanthapuss, thanks to Louis C.K.) was boring and stunted. He had a very limited idea of what constituted a good time, and I wasn't really allowed to do stuff with other people (his FOMO translated into some serious controlling behavior).

So we basically either:
  • Stayed in watching TV & drinking
  • Went out drinking
  • Went to concerts
  • Went to Disneyland
And I never got to to a lot of the things I wanted to do, even if it was just to try them once.
And since last year was pretty much devoted to learning/growing and a lot of dating, I think this year is the best time to start trying all those things.

So without further ado, here is my to do list for 2016:
I LIVE here, and I never go here.
Couldn't you just sit here all day?
  • Go hiking on as many trails with as many friends as possible (I've only been on one hike in SD.)
  • Go to the beach, all different beaches, and find my favorite (I haven't had a beach day in over a decade.)
  • Go to the zoo & the Safari Park (I haven't been to the zoo since I was 14, & the Safari Park since I was 8.)
  • Explore Balboa Park and all of the museums properly (I've really only been during December Nights, when it's too crowded to enjoy anything.)
  • Try paddle boarding
  • Try kayaking
  • Go whale watching
  • Go up to the snow (I haven't seen snow since I was in high school.)
  • Explore more breweries (since I've been drinking beer for a whole month now)
  • Explore local wineries
  • Go wine tasting in Temecula
  • Explore different neighborhoods (Instead of always going to the same bars & restaurants.)
  • Go to Catalina
A gorgeous island getaway just an hour away?
Why am I not there NOW?

I'm posting this here partially to keep myself accountable and partially as a reminder to actually get out and do these things! 

Am I missing anything big that I should be exploring in San Diego, or SoCal in general?

Tuesday, September 8, 2015

I'm Unhappy and That's Just Dandy

I was dreading turning 30. I didn't want to really celebrate it.

I scheduled a first date the night before as a distraction. Ended up spending my birthday with said distraction as well. Who spends their 30th birthday with someone they just met? Someone who doesn't want to think about their dumb birthday.

Let me back up. I've always loved my birthday. It's a whole day devoted to me. As someone who has a blog, an Instagram account and a Facebook page JUST about herself, you might have guessed that I enjoy a bit of attention. (Positive attention at least. *cough* daddy issues *cough*.)

But since I realized I would be hitting this milestone birthday single, and sans the family I've always wanted, I've had more than a reasonable amount of anxiety about my age. When I got married at 22, my life was pretty well planned out. Kids as soon as we were both comfortable, at least three, more if we could have them. Even derailed by fertility problems, I still felt as though I was on track for my vague life plan.

Through years of horrendous problems with my ex, I compartmentalized and still held out hope that we would get back on track, be happy and start a family.

Now single, living alone (except for Indy Puppy, of course), and with no prospects for romance... my life goals of being a wife and mom seem far reaching.

So something happened when my birthday started looming. It's a rare occurrence for me, as over the past few years I have become quite gifted at convincing myself that I'm happy. I realized that, even though I'm happier than I've been in years... I'm still unhappy. Not all the time, mind you. And not with everything. Work is stressful, but I own my own business, and that's to be expected. Money is tight, but I've pinched pennies more often than not in my life, and I'm good with doing so now.

I'm unhappy being alone.

And yes, this has motivated me to make some questionable decisions when it comes to dating. But nothing I truly regret. I have met some true douchebags, I've met some really nice men who have no clue how to have a relationship or aren't ready for one. I've made real connections. But my pattern thus far is that I seem to only find men who are unavailable, in one way or another. And it sucks. And acknowledging that I'm unhappy alone SUCKS.

I've been learning a lot about happiness and its many forms. And how it's different for each and every one of us. For me, happiness is having someone to love. Someone who loves me, yes, but almost more-so someone to offer my love, caring and support to. And now that I know what I need from that person in return, I can't settle for less.

So someone who can't or won't make time for me, someone who is emotionally unavailable, someone who likes me in the abstract, someone who wants to change me, even someone completely perfect for me but physically too far away... won't do.

And now that I know I'm unhappy alone, I have to get okay with it. I have to embrace that feeling, that knowledge, and not let it rule my heart or influence my decisions. I am not desperate. I'm lonely, yes, but not so lonely that I will compromise what I need or desperately want.

I am unhappy, but I have to approach finding happiness with patience, common sense, and a guarded heart.

And I'm here to tell you that fucking sucks.

As a certifiable hopeless romantic and deep-down a Disney Princess, so much of me wants to find my prince charming and find him NOW, dammit.

But now that I have a solid list of decent standards for my future Mr. Right, I need to go slow and avoid getting my heart broken again. And I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it without becoming a cynic. Without becoming some kind of anti-man, anti-marriage bitch. I love love.

I'm unhappy now, and that's okay. It's pretty normal, I think. And I refuse to feel guilty for being a woman who "needs a man to be happy". Because it's not about the man, it's about the love. I have a lot of love to give. And I want some in return. And I have to be okay with holding on to that and simply being patient.

I'm still a ridiculous optimist. And with each failed date or Mr. Not-Quite-Right, I can feel myself learning, growing, and getting closer to finding the man who will be worthy of everything I have to give. 

Thursday, August 6, 2015

Refilling My Vintage-Styled Closet on the Cheap

Before I was living on my own, I had a bit more expendable income for things like clothes, bags, and shoes. Paying for everything on my own has realigned my priorities, so now it's not even close to an option to buy a new Kate Spade anything, even during the sale-on-sale at the outlet. And as much of a PUG girl as I wish I could be, I don't have funds for $65 tops and $90 skirts (though they are SO worth the money if you've got it).

I'm totally cool with this. I have more stuff than one woman could ever need, and I love my pretty things. However, I've been actually losing weight for the first time in years, and a lot of my things are getting big on me. Now, my options are to have these things taken in (feasible for a skirt or dress that's simply too big at the waist), or to sell or donate them (a better choice for things that are phasing out of my style or too big in too many places).

So naturally I want to replace some of these items, and expand my wardrobe in a way that A. won't kill my bank account and B. won't be heartbreaking if I lose more weight and size out of the new clothes. But the struggle to do this shopping at Ross and JC Penney and Target with a specific style in mind had me very discouraged.

I was pleasantly surprised, however, to discover a whole slew of retro clothing on Amazon, at totally doable prices! So I ordered a skirt as a test, and yay!, it came fast.
The skirt is $15.99 with $5.99 shipping, and the top is from The Oblong Box Shop, $19.50
So, excuse my hair in this selfie. Our A/C was out for a week at the studio, so I had to do lame up-dos, which are not my forte. Maybe a new blog-series is due for quick retro hairstyle ideas.

Anyhow, the skirt was a steal, and the size chart was accurate! My only beef is the seam right down the front, which isn't pictured, and which wasn't particularly straight. Both minor things for a skirt this cute at this price. It also comes in black with white polka dots, and I would consider it if I didn't already have too many black and white clothes, and way too many black and white skirts.

BTW, the shoes are 2 years old from Target, and though you can't tell from the pic, are quite neon.

My plan for my Amazon wish list is to buy one new piece a week and share successes and failures with you here. I'll also blog about some of my other fave finds as long as they are recent and not from Ross, because you should be able to go buy the things I share, if you want them!

And, sometime before my birthday, I'll be hosting a shop my closet sale on Instagram! So make sure you're following me @shes.spiffing.

Do you have any go-to places for cute retro-wear? I'd love to know!

Sunday, July 26, 2015

If you don't love Taylor Swift, you're just not living life to itsfullest.

Before my single life, I was with my ex for nearly 15 years. So I missed out on a lot of experiences that women who DON'T marry their first boyfriend experience.

Most importantly, I had never dated.

Not having ever dated and experienced the multitude of feelings and experiences that come along with dating meant I had no understanding or appreciation for such fine things as:
-Sex and the City
-Tinder Nightmares 
-Taylor Swift songs

These are all things I could not relate to, but could understand in the abstract in a "oh, I'm so glad I got married young and will never have to deal with that" kind of way.

Well, here's my PSA for 20 year olds considering marriage:
It gets better.
It gets SO much fucking better.

I have had bad first dates. I have dodged awkward kisses. I have had AMAZING dates. I have had a first date that went so well that I was daydreaming about a future... and that man never called back I have had a one night stand. I have dated men I never thought were my type. I have had my mind blown, and I've been disappointed. I've fallen head over heels in a matter of weeks, I've had my heart broken. I've become addicted to talking to someone. I've become addicted to sleeping with someone.

Most importantly, I have learned a ton about myself. I've learned that I'm okay on my own. I've learned that I don't need constant attention from a man to feel validated. I've learned that things I do just for myself are some of the most important things I can do. 

Since diving headfirst into dating in June, I have since developed an appreciation for awkward conversation. And yes, Taylor Swift's 1989 is kind of my soundtrack right now. And Tinder IS as completely awful as you think it is, but no other dating app or site is any better.
And I binge-watched Sex and the City with a fine understanding of most of the situations the girls got into and loved every moment of it.

Not that I have any interest in living like Carrie or her girlfriends. But I will text a boy and giggle while listening to Echosmith and enjoy feeling like a teenager from time to time. 

And I will soak up every new experience and take the good with the bad and let the horrible just roll off my shoulders, because I realized that up until now, I wasn't really living life to capacity. I wasn't learning something new every day. I wasn't growing, I was stagnating. 

And right now I feel like I'm doing anything but stagnating, and that's how I know I'm where I'm supposed to be.